Loving Deeply

Loving deeply is how much love we put into that action. The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. It’s important to be patient. But what’s more important is You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It’s love for no reason, love without an object. To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.

People who love deeply know their own fears; their own demons. They are self-aware. They also have insecurities. And they have empathy. These people understand that there is no such thing as perfection. That we all have flaws and fears. We all have baggage. These are the people who have the capacity to love deeply. They can love you deeply because they know you deeply. It’s pretty rare. I know because I am.

People like me are highly sensitive to physical and emotional stimuli. Meaning, emphatic, intuitive and attuned. This makes them exceptional friends, partners and parents. However, loving deeply can also be a source of overwhelm.

Loving too much is wonderful; as if my whole being expands into unprecedented realms.However, emotions are harmful when they are excessive. Although it is difficult to define what constitutes excessiveness in love, characterizing love as “too much” implies that some damage has been done-either to the lover or the beloved.

It is possible to criticize someone’s intense love on the grounds that such intensity prevents him from seeing his partner’s faults or from recognizing that he could choose another partner who might make him happier and more satisfied in the longer run.

Needless to say, love should not be a mechanical calculation of what we give and get, but where there is a profound lack of reciprocity, it is natural to feel one is loving too much. Loving too much may also hurt the beloved.

At the very core of connection is ones ability to empathize. Good marriages and healthy families are all about connection. If a person is missing a solid sense of who they are they tend not to develop a real sense of self-awareness and may feel they are either all bad or all good. Many things can disrupt this bonding process.

Loving someone deeply requires taking the time to truly know them. However, why are there many broken marriages? Could it be that we hurry through love, rush relationships, and race through life in general because we are all too wounded to be willing to take the risk of loving someone deeply?

Loving too much is not good especially when you reach to the point of giving up everything for the sake of love. It is no longer healthy. So, BEWARE!

Loving Yourself When Your Partner Shuts You Out

What do you do when your partner shuts you out?

Do you know that being shut out and stonewalled is even more hurtful than being yelled at? Children would rather get yelled at or even hit than ignored. This is why the worst punishment for prisoners is solitary confinement.

Yet, along with overt anger, withdrawal is the most common form of controlling behavior in relationships. Just as the fear of anger keeps partners from addressing issues, so does the fear of a partner’s withdrawal.

Loretta is struggling with this issue.

“I’m in a two year relationship. My main problem is how can I raise an issue without him turning his back on me and walking away? I have to follow him to get my feeling across only to have him ignore me. He says I am never happy with what he does and feels frustrated that he can’t make me happy. The ignoring makes me feel unloved and rejected. I have told him how it makes me feel but he still does it.”

There are a number of issues here that need to be addressed. Loretta is using her feelings to make her partner responsible for her. She wants to tell him her feeling rather than open to learning with him about herself and about him. Her partner feels responsible for her happiness, and since he can’t take responsibility for her happiness – we have to take responsibility for our own happiness – he feels frustrated and walks away. Loretta follows him, trying to have control over him listening to her, believing that if only he would listen and understand, he would change. It’s easy for her to believe that the only reason she feels unloved and rejected is because he shuts her out, but she also feels unloved and rejected because she is abandoning herself by making him responsible for her feelings.

This is a very typical relationship system: Loretta is telling her feelings as a form of control and her partner is walking away as a form of control. Neither is open to learning.

What Loretta needs to do is practice inner work and learn to love herself so that she stops trying to control and instead is able to open to learning with her partner.

Linda has the same issue with her husband:

“When something happens where I get upset as a result of an action my husband did, my husband shuts down. He distances. This can go on for days. So it’s as if he gets shut down because I got upset at him. But it continues even after I calm down and even apologize for getting upset or explaining what it was like for me. When I ask if there is something he wants to discuss he says no. Is anything bothering you? No. What can I do? I know I need to give him time but I can’t tolerate the coldness and wall between us.”

Again, Linda is abandoning herself rather than loving herself. She isn’t accepting that getting upset with her husband hurts him as much as his distance hurts her, and he doesn’t know how to compassionately manage his pain any more than she does. Linda can shift their dysfunctional system by learning to love herself and take responsibility for her own upset – and then approach her husband with an intent to learn. Her husband could also learn to lovingly manage his pain rather than shut down. But since Linda is the one who wrote to me, she is the one I would address.

Loving yourself when your partner shuts down means:

  1. Practice the inner work healing process, learning to take responsibility for your upsetting feelings so that you don’t approach your partner with blame for your feelings.
  2. Love yourself by being very compassionate with your pain when your partner withdraws.
  3. Approach the issue only after you are no longer upset, so that you can be open to learning about yourself and your partner.
  4. If you partner isn’t open to exploring the issue, then love yourself by deciding for yourself how to take loving care of yourself regarding the conflict issue.

You may be very pleased with what happens in your relationship if you learn to love yourself and heal your end of this common relationship system!

Keys to Staying Connected in Your Relationship

“Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together – a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you…” Gottman, 7 Principals of Making a Marriage Work

There are different elements that help build and support a shared meaning, all of which should be established and then built on over time. Read through each element and answer the questions after each section, making note of any thoughts that pop up you want to share with your lover.

Four Elements that Build a Shared Meaning and Purpose

Tip 1. Rituals of Connection
Tip 2. Shared Views
Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams
Tip 4. Shared Values

Tip 1. Rituals of Connection:

A ritual of connection refers to the small things you do as a couple or a family which build and strengthen the emotional and spiritual connections between you all.

Ask yourself these questions:
• How do you and your partner connect with each other?
• Have you developed your own family rituals?
This could be a special meal on the weekend such as a takeaway on a Saturday or Sunday roast or movie night every Friday.
• In what unique ways do you celebrate religious holidays?
• Do you have a ritual for love making?
• Do you dedicate a day or night per week for family or romance?

Many couples find love and connection flourishes when they have an intimate ritual to look forward to. The key here is to find something that you do together regularly that you can look forward to.

Answer the above questions and think about the rituals of connection you have: do they work for you? Could you improve them to increase your connection or create some new ones?

Tip 2. Shared Views:

Support for Each Other’s Roles
When couples come to me a lot of the problems stem from the fall out of what they think their partner “should” be doing versus what they are actually doing. I often hear: “As a husband… ” he “should” be doing this, fixing that, paying for this or giving me that. Similarly I hear it the other way round too: “A wife “should” look after the home, stay in with the family and contribute to the finances.” The problem stems from the fact that these assumed roles are often never discussed so each person develops their own views on situations without taking the time to understand the perspective of their partner. This where resentment builds. The happiest couples agree on the roles they define for themselves and support each other with them. This is crucial as it helps to build a shared meaning.

Family and Parenting
Having similar views on parenting also adds to a strong sense of shared meaning, so does your views on the level of interaction you expect to have with your parents, siblings and cousins. For example, do you both consider extended family part of your daily family life or do you prefer distance and more of a nuclear family?

Work and Career
Even the views on what it means to work and the significance of work in your life is important to discuss. How much work is part of your life can be disputed, potentially causing friction, so having a shared outlook is crucial. Where you can talk about its importance in your life and share your experiences. Some individuals I work with get jealous and annoyed at their spouses involvement with work and staying late or socializing with colleagues on the weekends and this can cause tension for some couples. Compared to couples who agree that work comes first and encourage each other to be the best they can possibly be. Which couple are you?

The extent to which you feel similar about these issues, the stronger your marriage and connection becomes. This doesn’t mean you need to agree on everything but often it’s the couples that are more closely aligned in their views and approaches that are happier and more fulfilled.

What views do you share when it comes to living out your life? Are there any expectations that are a cause of frustration for you that you have not communicated? Could you benefit from some more support when it comes to your roles, family or career?

Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams:

Part of what creates a meaningful life are the goals that we strive to achieve. Many of us wouldn’t be where we are today without setting goals and going for it. Without a direction we become aimless, lifeless even. Imagine a ship in the ocean that has no route to follow, directionless, it will float aimlessly and get nowhere. Marriages are the same. The goal of a relationship is not to get married and that’s it. As with any area of life whether that be work, fitness or hobbies, having the next goal in mind ensures your progression, sense of purpose and prevents you from stagnating. Your marriage should be no different – you need positive goals for your shared time together.

Too often we don’t talk about our deepest desires and sometimes we haven’t even asked ourselves about what we want for our relationship, as we’re too busy with life to notice. When we start to explore and define our shared goals we increase intimacy, meaning and purpose. When united by a goal, we can let arguments and differences go more easily.

What are some of your short-term and long-term goals for your marriage? List them and create some more joint ones.

Tip 4. Shared Values:

Like with shared views, having shared values also help marriages flourish.

Ask yourself these questions:

What do you value most about being a part of the family you belong to?
What family stories do you consider with pride?
What does home mean to you?
What activities or objects symbolize a meaningful and well-lived life to you?
What symbols or objects demonstrate who you are in the world?

Analyse what you and your spouse value most by answering these questions and list anything that comes up that matters to you most in life.

Now Create Your Shared Meaning

I have heard many different rituals, views, goals and values because every couple has their own story. Here are some shared meanings:

“to heal and have a peaceful existence” (after a difficult previous relationship and childhood)

“to create a family filled with laughter & love”

“to enjoy life to the max: travel, explore, adventure and excitement”

“to step into parents footsteps and care for the whole family and business”

“to give our children the best education and watch them flourish together”

“to have our dream home on the beach and retire (early) in luxury”

“to live God’s mission together, wherever that may lead us”

“to set up our own business and leave a legacy”

Above all, it’s important throughout your journey to remember one thing: this is your journey. I have offered examples of other couples shared meaning to show that every couple is different.

Share your dreams with your partner and list your one-, five- and ten-year goals and come up with some ideas for a shared meaning that is personal to you and your partner.

Nicola Beer – Relationship Expert and Founder of Save My Marriage Program
I specialise in a proven 10 step program to help couples increase the love, passion and happiness in their marriage in 30 days or less!
The program has saved hundreds of marriages… I guarantee it.

True Love Endures

Memory carries a lot of heartaches, disappointments and broken promises of which we could hardly let go. Sometimes we are the enemy of our own selves. We want to forget but war arises between our minds and our hearts. It is a struggle to survive day by day forgetting the pain. The more we push away the person who hurt us, the more we will be deeply wounded inside.

We give up but the gravity inside us pulls back that loving feeling. We tend to escape from reality giving ourselves the false hope. But in the morning when we wake up the pain is still there killing us like a double-bladed sword squeezing our hearts up to the last drop of blood.

At night, our beds feel like graveyards where darkness swallow us while we are lying to sleep. The silence of the night is deafening, no music to be heard but only the howling noise of broken heart like wolves waiting to devour us. We looked unblemished but perfectly dying to death.

Painful as it can be, we strive hard to let go. No matter how it hurts, we choose to forget. We force ourselves to find a new love, someone better, someone who could put back the broken pieces back in shape. After a while we realize time provides us an exit from the dungeon of disappointments and heartaches, then we feel brand new.

Yes, time heals all wounds but true love only forgets the pain. It remembers the joy and the love. It reminds us how we felt when we are still together. It brings back time and it conquers all heartaches. The memory of true love holds us still where time machines exist, bringing us to the time when we were deeply in love.

They say true love has the habit of coming back. It keeps coming back to the one we once loved. Because the memory of our true love never fades it lingers like music in our thoughts and feelings. It never goes away, though it gives itself a break but it never dies.

The repetition of falling in love with the same person is allowing ourselves to be broken again. We know that loving with this special someone is giving him/her the authority to hurt us. But we rather embrace the pain while loving… than to let go and bury the feeling. Because true love always returns, true love endures.

Dad’s Way To Celebrate Mom’s First Mother’s Day

With your wife’s first mother day around the corner, she deserves only the very best on her first Mother’s Day. To make this happen, you must have a game plan to surprise her with immense pleasure in a major way. After all, she has endured pregnancy, childbirth and countless sleepless night during her first year as a Mom. So, why not pamper her with something awesome that will make her happy.

Escape from Culinary

Breakfast in bed is a good idea to consider. We are not sure whether it is the breakfast or the fact that she gets to sleep more than usual in the morning. But serving yummy breakfast in bed is a good idea. A romantic dinner at home after the Baby is asleep will make her really happy.

Get Crafty

You do not need lot of time or imagination to come up with a genuine gift for your wife on her first Mother’s Day. A good photo frame with favourite picture of your wife and baby is a sweet gesture. Consider making a photo album with pictures of your new family.

Set-up Spa at Home

Being a new Mom is emotionally and physically very tiring. Help her to gradually relax and de-stress with relaxing massage at home, keeping in mind your wife’s physical and emotional needs. The key to an enjoyable massage is to use smooth and flowing strokes.

Make a Card

It may be a year or two until your child is drawing Mother’s Day cards. But that does not mean that your child cannot give card to his Mom. Buy a Mother’s Day card from a store and write a message as if it is coming from your Baby.

Give Gift Sleep

Mom wants sleep more than anything. So, why not give her much needed and uninterrupted snooze time?

Gifts

It is not always true that best gifts cost considerable sum of money. But if you want to invest in a splurge-worthy gift, then take some time to think about what would hold meaning for her, and her only. Whatever the gift is, the most important thing is that you put your thought into it.

Mother’s Day Playlist

Mothers have been the subject of many songs. Prepare a playlist which is full of songs that represent your wife’s new life as a mama so she can chill out with headphones on while you babysit your little one.

Day of Pampering

There is a possibility that your busy new mama probably has not had time to spoil herself much ever since giving birth. So, send her to her favourite salon or spa where she can enjoy a blowdry, mani/pedi or all facial. Or promise to arrange a babysitter so the two of you can meet up after primping for a nice dinner, sans baby.

Family Photo Shoot

Surprise your wife by booking a professional photographer to capture her First Mother’s day with a family shoot. Make sure your wife will feel like both she and your home are camera ready. Sometimes the best picture are the ones that capture genuine moments between you, your wife and the little child.